My Grandmother and I would go to the local doughnut shop every weekend. I can still smell the inside of the shop, tucked into a dingy little strip mall next door to a 7-11. My childhood tastes were simple - standard bar chocolate iced or raised ring with sprinkles.
It's been at least two years since I got my hands on some fried, doughy goodness and sadly it wasn't memorable. Some chocolate, sugar glazed hipster doughnut from an overpriced shop on Abbey Kinney in Venice. Took a few bites and tossed it in the nearest trash can. My enjoyment didn't match the caloric intake and guilt I felt, so the doughnut had to go!
On our walk home from brunch a few Sundays ago with JZ and Beyonce, My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") entertained us with the silliest doughnut story. Inspired I believe by a local bakery we stopped into on the walk home. We only window shopped, due to the french fries and massive stack of pancakes we both ate, but God damn the cinnamon buns looked delicious.
Mouths watering, MSMF proceeded to tell us about the last time he had an "Instagram" doughnut. A few years ago his two childhood friends sent him a photo of a dozen doughnuts they picked up saying he should come over. MSMF was only half way to his buddies place when a second text came through - a photo with most of the doughnuts cut in half and sampled and the threat that he "better show up soon!"
By the time MSMF arrived there was only 1 doughnut left.
Us: "NO WAY!"
MSMF: "YEAH!"
Us: *general shock and laughter*
MSMF: "RIGHT!?"
Me: "They almost ate a dozen doughnuts between the two of them?"
MSMF: "I know. Crazy right?!"
Us: "Yeah."
MSMF: "We argued for, like, two hours about it. I was pissed."
JZ: "About what?"
MSMF: "That they didn't leave me any doughnuts."
Beyonce: "Wait. Didn't they leave you a bunch of quarter pieces of each doughnut?"
MSMF: "NO!"
Me: "So, hold on. What was left?"
MSMF: "Just a single molested Instagram doughnut."
Three words I never thought I'd hear spoken together: molested Instagram doughnut.
Beyonce: "What made them 'Instagram' doughnuts?"
MSMF: "They were from some famous shop for making artisanal doughnuts or some shit."
Me: "Whatever the fuck that means. So what made them 'molested'?"
MSMF: "They cut a piece off of it!"
Me: "So, hold on. What were you mad about; that there weren't any doughnuts left or that the one doughnut that was left for you was molested?"
MSMF: "BOTH!"
Us: *uncontrollable laughter*
Me: "Oh babe, you are hilarious."
So what molested Instagram doughnut was MSMF left to eat in anger, you're wondering?
It was the maple iced bar with a strip of bacon on top.
Gross.
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