Sacred Cows

Do you have a sacred cow? Or a small herd of sacred cows?

I once fed a sacred cow in India but that's not the kind of cattle I'm talking about here.

My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") has a herd of sacred cows. He told me point blank yesterday that I don't have ANY sacred cows. I laughed, not knowing what the hell he was talking about, but I want a sacred cow! Turns out I have a few sacred cows, I just didn't know it.

So what is a sacred cow?

A sacred cow is basically something or someone that you hold dear. It's pretty much untouchable; they can do no wrong. You'll never go in on your sacred cow in a fit of anger or upset and you wouldn't let someone else either. Joking about your sacred cow also wouldn't happen.

I was new to the sacred cow concept, until last night.

Before we dive in, I need to provide a little context.

There's been a sexual predator around the neighborhood this past week. A man or possibly men have been preying on women and sexually assaulting them with walk/run by grabbings. The most recent incident occurred yesterday with the guy getting away on a bike. I have always felt safe in my neighborhood and walk around town almost every day. Yesterday was no different, though I was more cautious. I walked almost 2 miles to the Westside staple, Tito's Tacos, to meet MSMF for lunch. When MSMF got home from work, I told him about the biking assault incident and teased that though he wasn't concerned, I got back home safely from lunch without being molested by anyone. I then said, "I guess some of us can't even give it away."

Que MSMF's gasp and the following conversation (which I've shortened).

MSMF: "There are no sacred cows for you!"

Me: "What do you mean there are no sacred cows for me?"

MSMF: "I mean, like, it's all in play. It's all fair game to you. You'll take shots at anything."

Me: *apprehensively laughing*

MSMF: "Which is fine. It's take a little getting used to at first. I'm still acclimating myself to it."

Me: *laughing*

MSMF: "Like, you just took a shot at your own personal safety."

Me: "Yeah."

MSMF: "Yeah."

Me: "Having been attacked before. Yeah."

MSMF: *nervous laugh* "Yeah."

Me: *rolling laughter*

MSMF: "I mean, you would think that would be like taboo. You don't have taboo."

Me: *still laughing* "Because I said 'you can't even give it away?'"

MSMF: "Yeah. There's a difference between not having taboos and being somebody that likes to get a reaction. That goes for shock value. You're not doing that either. That's just kind of how you roll."

Me: "Yeah. Well. Because sometimes I will poke fun at myself. Or making that comment, I was totally aware of how like (gasp sound) or offending it can be."

MSMF: "Yeah."

Me: "But I mean, usually when I do that it's only because it's out of just sheer... like ludicrous. It's insane to think somebody keeps going around assaulting women around here..."

MSMF: "Biking away?"

Me: *laughing* "On a bicycle."

MSMF: *laughing* "On a bicycle."

Me: "Exactly."

MSMF: "A grope and ride."

Me: *laughing* "Yeah. The whole thing just seems so preposterous."

MSMF: "It is pretty absurd."

Me: "It's not ridiculous that it happens, it sadly happens every single day. Sometimes the way to release the horror or power of something is to own it in a different way. Whether you're indignant about it or violently 'AHHHH' (waving arms around) about it or you're just like, meh. Kind of like bringing a little laughter to it."

MSMF: "Yeah. And no, I respect that. I don't think I've ever met somebody that has done that as much as me. Or MORE than me."

Me: "Oh. So, hold on..."

MSMF: "But I have some sacred cows."

Me: *laughing* "Ohhhhhh. So what are your sacred cows?"

MSMF: "I don't know. Steven Spielberg? Michael Mann?"

Me: "Oh Christ."

MSMF: "Christ! Christ, that's a good one."

Me: *laughing* "Don't even get me started on the Christ shit."

Me: "So, I feel a little self conscious about the sacred cow. Is it a good thing? A bad thing? Are you horrified of me? I mean, you know I'm joking, right?"

MSMF: "I... I do."

Me: "But even in jest, a sacred cow can't be touched?"

MSMF: "I think the difference between the way you and I use that humor is that you're not necessarily throwing it out there to target it at my ears. Whereas I would."

Me: "So... You're saying I'm an equal opportunist when it comes to not having sacred cows."

MSMF: "Yeah."

Me: "Huh. I still can't get a read if this is a good thing or not."

MSMF: "Why do you have to frame it as good or bad? I don't think it's bad. Honestly, I dig it. I'm just still a little shocked by it sometimes."

Me: "I am too."

MSMF: "I mean, you went from like 'Hey, I gotta watch out there's a predator' to making a dig like 'I can't give it away'."

Me: *laughing* "Yeah, you know."

MSMF: "Whereas if I made that joke it would be insensitive."

Me: "It's not the actual truth of the situation. Women aren't giving it away, it's being forcefully taken from them."

MSMF: "Right."

Me "So are sacred cows not to be poked or eaten? Can you poke the sacred cow out of the road or... can you eat one if your family is starving?"

MSMF: *just looking at me*

Me: "Like, Steven Spielberg is a sacred cow! Who fucking cares?"

MSMF: "Martin Scorsese, yeah."

Me: "And like you said, Jesus. Should Jesus not be talked about?"
MSMF: "No, I can joke about Jesus."

Me: "Uh huh."

I say "Jesus Christ" and "God dammit" at least once or twice a day. I'm sure I've bruised or offended other sacred cows of MSMF's, like his adoration and admiration of Kobe. His love of football and basketball in general. One of my sacred cows, violence again women, isn't a topic that anyone would want to take shots at. I'm also the victim of sexual assault by a stranger, and not the groping kind on a bike, so you can understand MSMF's shock. Now, my love of Bjork, as crazy and eccentric as that bitch is, is fair game. I never mean to take someone's cow to slaughter. Unless I've unknowingly stumbled onto someone's sacred herd, drunk with a machete. 

Maybe my lack of sacred cows means I may be a sacred cow killer. Or maybe a sacred cow tipper?