Stanislav, the Murderous American Pipit

My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") and I have a murderous bird after us.

I was working from MSMF's apartment a few months ago and kept hearing this odd little flutter and thud sound. Stopping to look around, all I saw was this bird barreling into the window above the front door. The bird would land on the window ledge and proceed to peck at the window, while jumping and fluttering wildly up and down. At first it was amusing but then got rather annoying. I took a jacket and jumped up to swat the jacket at the window but the little bird just kept coming back.

I asked MSMF about the bird the first day I saw him. Apparently he as well as his two roommates had never seen it before. But day after day the bird kept coming back. So MSMF nicknamed him Stanislav or Stan for short. I loved it. Naturally, we gave him a full backstory of being Russian KGB out on a murderous rampage. He wanted us and was going to stop at nothing to get us.

This went on for a month or two. After spending a few weeks at my place in the Westside, we returned to Ventura eager to see Stanislav.

But he was gone.

Each day MSMF would come home and ask if I had seen Stan. After days of hearing me sadly say no, the questions stopped. Of course we both wondered what happened. Did Stan get a new mission? Or was something more sinister afoot? I thought I found the answer when I stepped out for a walk one afternoon. Rounding the terrace corner, I saw a single bird feather. And then another. And then a large clump of...feathers? It didn't look good whatever it was. I feared Stan was taken out by an Allied feline. I didn't have the heart to tell MSMF right away. It took a few days until I couldn't stand it any longer. We both lamented Stan not being around and his untimely demise.

Some people believe that miracles can happen. And as it turns out they're right.

MSMF and I were relaxing on the couch, ready to watch what I'm sure was some terrible 80's titty film or maybe a Bond movie, when I heard it - the faint sounds of tapping and fluttering. My head shot toward the front door window and sure enough it was Stan. I literally screamed out "Honey! It's Stanislav!" Just as murderous as ever. I was so excited I ran outside and threw some fresh sourdough bread onto the window ledge. He didn't come back for the rest of the evening, probably thinking we were onto his plot and trying to poison him. Thankfully the next day the bread offerings were gone.

And Stan was back.