Say it a few times fast, it's fun. Alpha-gal. Alpha-gal. Alpha-sal. Alpa-mal. It's get stupider the more times you say it.
My Mom has Alpha-gal.
When she first told me I couldn't understand what she was saying. I honestly started laughing. What the fuck is Alpha-gal? Alfalfa? Yeah, it's good on a salad. Oh...no, ok we're not talking about putting a small fro on your salad.
Alpha-gal simply put is an allergy to anything edible with four legs. To be more specific, you come down with alpha-gal when the following calamity of events befalls your ass: A tick bites a cow or other 4-legged livestock. Said little bitey bastard then bites you, vomits a sugar molecule or Alpha-gal into you, then your body responds by defending itself against the foreign substance and offender. Problem is, your body now sees the livestock sugar molecule as the enemy and not as a yummy In-N-Out burger. So now, any time you eat anything with four legs - beef, pork, etc. you'll get stomach will turn itself inside out. Think Montezuma's revenge of your GI track on steroids.
My Mom couldn't figure out why, every time she had a steak for dinner or a few strips of bacon with breakfast, her stomach would declare World War III. Simple blood work solved the mystery. Sadly Alpha-gal doesn't go away overnight and in some cases never. Imagine one day you're at the top of the food chain and the next you're only snacking on two-legged friends. I blame the whole thing on my Mom living in the back woods, backwards ass hick state of Virginia. She moved there with her husband just over two years ago and I've been bitter about it since. The biggest reason of course being that I wouldn't see her very often but also because the long flights to the east coast suck, are expensive, and...well... backwards ass hick shit like getting bit by a tick happens out there. There's also tons of confederate flags and bible thumping but I digress.
In preparation for Mom's visit to LA, My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") and I planned out a week's worth of our favorite recipes. Silly shit of course ensued when Alpha-gal came up.
Me: "We should pick a few of our favorite dishes from the past few months to cook when Mom is here."
MSMF: "That sounds good. What are you thinking?"
Me: "Well, everything needs to be either vegetarian, cannibal chicken, or turkey since Mom has Alpha-gal."
MSMF: "She what...?"
Me: "Yeah. Alpha-gal. It's a thing. Basically, she can only eat meat with 2 legs. Not 4."
MSMF: *staring*
Me: *laughing* "I know. It's fucking stupid."
MSMF: "So, no cow?
Me: "No."
Me: "No."
MSMF: "No pig?"
Me: "No."
MSMF: "No lamb?"
Me: *laughing* "Babe, no."
MSMF: *pondering*
Me: "Nothing with 4 legs babe."
MSMF: "What if it has 1 leg?"
Me: "If you mean fish, then yes, she can eat that."
MSMF: "Hmm."
Me: "Babe, fish have 1 leg or are 1 leg...? Not quite sure how to say that."
MSMF: "So they have to stand on their legs to count?"
Me: *laughing* "I don't think it's a matter of standing or number."
MSMF: "What about 8 legs?"
Me: "8 legs? You mean an octopus?"
MSMF: "Yeah."
Me: *laughing* "Yeah, that's ok. 8 legs are ok I guess. 4 legs no, 8 legs yes."
MSMF: "And 2 legs."
Me: "And 2 legs."
And there you have it. Many legs yes, 4 legs no, 2 legs yes.
The real bitch about Alpha-gal isn't even the restrictive diet. It's the fact that if you try to eat, say a grilled chicken sandwich somewhere and the cook puts the chicken on the steak side of the grill or uses the same tongs to flip both meats, someone with Alpha-gal will still get sick.
Ain't that a 2 er 4 legged bitch?
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