Thursday, June 4, 2020

"C" is for Cat or Crackhead

I have a 19 year old crackhead living in my apartment.

Dharma or "Jaja" is a 5 lb Calico with the sweetest temperament and the gregariousness of a dog. When she isn't sleeping 20 hours of the day she spends the other 4 either screaming at me or aimlessly wandering around screaming at nothing. It doesn't help that she lost her hearing about a year ago, so now we just yell at one another like two bickering old ladies. I threaten to give her a beating but she doesn't listen (and no I would never do that, come on).

Jaja or Little D or Chicken or Chick-o-Stick or Chicken Legs has always been petite. The first few years after I adopted her I used to joke that she was anorexic or just counted her calories. She has always had a bit more character than most cats I've known but as the years have gone by her funny personality really shines. She loves to dance and wrestle but her favorite thing to do is hang out on my shoulder. She used to run and jump from the floor, scale the length of my body, and drape herself over my shoulder. Now I just pick her up. It's the funniest thing having her hang there. I realized after the first few times she did it that I should just go about my business, so I did. It's odd to say the least trying to brush your teeth and spit in the sink when you've got cat butt in your face. She got the name Chicken or Chicken Legs from the dangling effect her legs make. I just love to pinch her little cat butt or grab one of her dangling chicken legs and make nom nom noises at her.

Her legs and stomach have taken on a particularly chicken-y look because she eats all the hair off. I'm talking bald as a newborn baby. She's always been a bit neurotic with the mowing and I've done everything in my power to figure it out. She's not stressed out, she doesn't have fleas... she's just crazy. I'm ready to put a cone on her to get her to stop because the manic hair removal isn't good for either of us. She seems a bit too skinny and I'm sick of cleaning up the daily treasure hunt. So I figured I'd pick her up a bag of cat treats, Greenies to be exact, to fatten her up.

Bad idea.

My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") was with me to witness the addiction. Jaja couldn't hear the distinctive crackle of a treat bag, so she didn't get too excited when I plunked 4 treats down in front of her. She got a whiff of one and immediately started chomping them down. She was on her second to last one and I wanted to know if they were semi-moist on the inside, since her chompers are going bad. So I reached down to pick up the last Greenie and break it open. I wasn't even able to get near the treat before Jaja felt the imminent threat of the drugs disappearing. So rather than finish the one she already had in her mouth, she pushed my fingers aside and sucked up the last treat. I looked at MSMF in disbelief. She's never been so aggressive or crazy with food or much of anything. While chewing on two treats, her pushy attitude only got worse. She sniffed the air and nosed around the desk where I fed her the treats convinced there were more. Jaja then looked up at us, all wide-eyed, like - GIVE ME THE FUCKING TREATS!

She's doubled down mooching and general harassment any time there is food around or either of us get near the kitchen. I figured I'd give her little crack head a fix and gave her two treats this morning. Again with the meowing and sniffing and pacing. Here's a video and photo I caught of her in the kitchen, determined as ever that I feed her more paw lickin' good stuff. On the one hand I now feel like her dealer but how can I resist that face?




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