I know this is what My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") wanted to ask me. Instead, MSMF took a tactful and cautious approach.
MSMF: "Ok. So, I don't want to come off as the creepy jealous stalker boyfriend but who is Chad Johnson?"
Me: "Who?"
MSMF: "This guy."
*MSMF shows me his phone with the Venmo app open*
Me: "Umm... I'm not sure."
*MSMF's eye narrow*
MSMF: "I know it was June of 2019 but I'm just curious."
Me: "Let me think." *the only thing I have to go on are three red wine glass emojis*
Me: "Oh, I know. I believe Chad Johnson is a friend of a friend of JZ and Beyonce (nicknames not the real JZ and Beyone). He bought a VIP wine ticket off of me."
*MSMF still silently glaring at me*
Me: "We had early entry wine tasting tickets to an event at Union Station. I had an attack a day or two beforehand, so going was no longer an option."
MSMF: "Mhmm."
Me: "What? I still felt terrible and the VIP tickets had sold out long before the event, so I reached out to friends to see who was going and if anyone needed an extra."
MSMF: "Oh okay." *looking relieved*
Me: "Now who feels like a jealous asshole?"
MSMF: "Whaaaat?" *said sheepishly*
Me: "I don't even know the fucking guy."
Later the same evening...
Me: "Chad. Chad's a terrible name."
MSMF: "Yeah it is."
Me: "Sounds so preppy."
MSMF: *In his best creepy Chad impersonation* "'Would you like another drink my dear?'"
Me: *laughing*
MSMF: "Fuckin' guy."
The next morning talking about some other random silly shit...
Me: "Who do you mean? Chad Johnson?"
MSMF: "That guy. I mean, three glasses of wine? Who is this guy buying you three glasses of wine?"
Me: "He knows what I like."
MSMF: "Trying to take advantage..."
Me: "Oh Chad... Though honey if you think about it $30 for 3 glasses of wine doesn't make sense. If they were decent it would be way more than $30..."
MSMF: "Fuck that guy."
Me: *laughing*
Poor Chad Johnson.
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