There. I said it.
I know My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") is probably saying "Baby..." and silently judging me for being a judgmental, name slinging biatch but damn it. Home slice cannot go one day without doing something fucking stupid!
So, I made the painful but adulting decision to take on a roommate for a few months two weeks ago. And ever since Ms. Thang moved in, she's been hell bent on a mix of obnoxiousness and fucking shit up around the apartment. Now, I may be a grown ass working professional woman living in an apartment that had to take on a roommate but God damn it that doesn't mean that I don't care about my place looking nice or that I don't have nice/expensive things in said place!
If something is going to get fucked up it better be me doing it. And trust me, I have messed up before. But it's rare. *que some better than thou anthem song*
Ok, here's the list of charges so far... IN JUST TWO WEEKS!
(Technically a week and a half because she didn't move in right away. Noted, in my defense).
1. She broke my outdoor hanging lamp while moving in.
Technically, it wasn't her but some dude. This gets better. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, however, after hearing a massive crash and Ms. Thang leaning into the front doorway saying "we broke your lamp" I find her (without a mask) and some dude (also not wearing a mask) carrying a massive computer desk monitor. She called him a "good Samaritan" that was just there to help her out but all he did was help himself into my damn lamp! I've had matching lamps hanging on either side of the front door since I moved in and sadly with one broken, both have to be replaced. Ugh.
(Fun Fact: Now with the glass missing from the lamp, the property repairman broke the candlelight timer inside the lamp a few days later because he knocked into it causing just the light to fall out)
2. She tracked dirt on the floor and carpet on the stairs.
MSMF and I loosely follow a no shoes in the house rule once you clear the front door hallway. Ms. Thang was aware of this but somehow managed during her first morning at the apartment to muck up the hallway floor and stairs. I knew it was her and waited until she got home to mention it; I'm not her Mom so I wasn't going to clean it up. Even MSMF commented on it when he got to the apartment that evening. So what happens when she gets home? I point it out to her and she goes, "oh. ok!" and goes up to her room. Hello! Earth to derp?
3. Her general curiosity and banter.
As I said to a girlfriend of mine this past weekend, the Derp and I are not friends. Nor do I want to be. Sure I want things to be respectable and easy between us but for the most part I want her to stick to her room or to her own shit and stay out of ours. She also has this weird giggle laugh that just makes me want to say, "Guuuuuurrrrrrl." Any time MSMF and I are cooking or watching TV, we get 20 questions. I don't want to play 20 questions after a long day and just want to relax in silence doing whatever MSMF and I are doing. And the tough part is MSMF is all for engaging her, which just makes her engage more!
4. She soaked the bathroom floor mat.
Again, I'm not sure how she managed to pull this off. But literally I came home from sushi one night and found the bathroom rug soaked. When I left for dinner she was taking a bath. Ok, cool. I like baths too. No big deal. But what the hell was she doing in the bath? Water aerobics!? Now, I've gotten out of the shower before without a towel and yes, you get the floor mat wet. This wasn't wet. To repeat, THIS WAS SOAKED! I can only imagine she was replaying scenes from Splash or Free Willy in there.
5. She has no sense for turning lights off.
I guess when people don't pay the bills for things they don't have an appreciation for the thing they're not paying for. Home slice's internet and electricity is included in her rent. Since moving in, I've had to remind her and/or turn the lights off myself almost every time she turns them on. I wait the cursory 5-10 minutes hoping "she's coming back" in my mind but no. She ain't comin' back! She's thoughtless and careless to the ways of the light switch. You know, that thing you flick up and down and the lights go on and off? I'm sure if I start charging her for part of the electric bill she'll turn the fucking lights off.
And for her Derpy Coup de Grace:
6. Ms. Thang dumped her coffee all over the bottom half of the stairs.
I heard it happen. I was sitting at my makeshift work desk when I heard the tell-tale signs of derpy shit happening downstairs. The sound of blundering, fumbling, and ultimately - "oh no". I was already too pissed to get up and see what happened. After 5 minutes of hearing her walk back and forth from the kitchen and the paper towel roll depleting, I hear "hey I spilled some coffee but everything's good". Bitch you KNOW everything is not good. But I walked downstairs and didn't immediately see anything wrong. She holds up a towel she got under the kitchen sink and asks, "what should I do with this?" Seriously? What do you want me to do with it?! Channeling the Buddha I say to her, "just wash it the next time you do laundry."
She pops off to work and I jump onto a conference call. But something told me that wasn't the end of the derp.
Sure enough, I went downstairs to inspect the cleanup and found a fucking disaster when I turned the lights on. There was coffee splattered on the fabric storage boxes, coffee INSIDE the storage ottoman that functions as a seat near the front door, coffee on the wall and underneath the ottoman... seriously a coffee bomb went off. And yeah, I was left to clean it up because what was I going to do? Let it sit there all day and screw shit up even more?
All she had to say about it when I sent her pictures of the mess she left behind was, "oh I'll be sure to check next time". Next time? NEXT TIME? There isn't going to be a next time Queen Derp!
Good lord, what else does she have in store?
In an insanely short amount of time she has helped me realize that my ability to tolerate a roommate is nonexistent. That ship has sailed. Or I should say my ability to handle a 20-something derpster has left the building.
The perfect sound that describes what I think about when I see or hear her is the little jingle Beaky Buzzard sings to himself while flying.
Peep the clip around the 1:09 mark. The derp and character is spot on!
No comments:
Post a Comment