Life has been moving at a million miles an hour and I feel like I can't keep up with any of it. I don't have enough time for myself, My Special Man Friend ("MSMF"), my family, my friends, my enemies... working out, cleaning the apartment, checking how many thousands of miles my car's oil change is past due...
Life is hard.
Some days I have to ask myself if I've showered and if not, how many days has it been? When I take my hair out of it's usual messy bun on the top of my head and it stays in place, it's a clear indicator I haven't washed it in days and explains why there are zombie cats scratching at the backdoor to dine on my pungent flesh.
I'd almost rather chance it with the zombie cats than take my life into my own hands showering.
MSMF knows what I'm talking about.
That poor son of a bitch has almost killed himself, twice, falling in the shower. You know what I'm talking about; that casual, I'm-not-thinking-about-shit step into the tub followed by the tiniest hydroplane of your foot that makes you pee a little and yell out some indiscernible thing or another.
We have ALL done it.
My modus operandi is typically to not lift my foot all the way into the tub while getting in, causing at least my big toe to smash into the side of the hard porcelain. That shit hurts and I do it way too often. I'm always mad at the tub too, like it's somehow the shower's fault. My shower slips have always been alone, which isn't good, because if I really fell and cracked my head open I'd be a goner and probably considered a suicide. MSMF on the other hand has always pulled his death trap moments with me there to witness. Poor guy. First, to sadly reach out and act like I could save him. Which is just silly because I couldn't save his lathered ass from falling. Second, to sadly try and stifle my anxious giggles by asking "awww babe, are you okay?" four or five times. Girl, you know he's not ok.
I am truly thankful the last time the shower almost took MSMF from me that he wasn't actually hurt!
Our shower with tub is as generic as they come. And even though I bought one of those shower rods that bows out to allow the curtain to not annoying suck onto your wet skin, as most curtains do, it's still fucking small for two grown ass adults. But we love to shower together, so that means doing the shower shuffle. You know, allowing your shower companion to slip by you or vice versa without ejecting them out the tub. The problem is one or both of us usually has facial wash in our eyes or is completely lathered up, making the navigation of one another safely nearly impossible. Usually we grab onto one another, like a safety handoff between the back of the shower and the water.
However, on this faithful day I think MSMF couldn't be bothered with the buddy system transition and went to pass alone. He caught the lip of the tub with the edge of his foot which took out one leg. With nothing to hold onto the other leg followed. To me it just looked like he threw himself out of the tub! All I saw was the lather of body wash, legs, dick and balls, and the shower curtain with rod flying through the air. All of which came down with a hard thud.
I was so scared MSMF had hurt himself, I just stood there in shock for a moment. I've only seen this kind of shit in movies!
Thank God he was okay. And thank God he didn't grab me and take me with him. As I picked him and the shower curtain and rod up off the floor we both nervously laughed and attempted to finish our shower, even with the shower rod and curtain hanging all half cocked and uneven from where it once hung.
MSMF didn't even come away with a bruise. It's a shower death trap miracle! The thing is, I feel like we cheated death and now the shower wants payment.
I asked MSMF if we should install those little shower floor petals with the non-slip grip material in the tub to prevent either of us falling victim to another fall but we both agreed. Neither of us are old enough or smart enough to swallow our pride and prevent near death experiences in the future.
We like to keep our lives exciting.
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