Camping Is For Young People

Facing down yet another weekend of camping in Santa Barbara, I've been wondering what the hell I'm actually doing. In the last two and a half months I will have gone camping 3 times.

Did I have fun? Yeah!

Did I eat all the yummy things I don't allow myself at home? Yep!

Did I get back bedraggled and half dead, taking about a week each time to return to normal? You bet your ass.

Trying to have fun by doing much of nothing but hanging out and talking with friends left me damn near half dead for what felt like forever.

All the packing, the prepping, the being awesome. It's exhausting.

The best part about my last camping trip, until August for Burning Man, was being woken up by my younger campmates to Darude's Sandstorm at 8am. We had only gone to bed 4 hours earlier, which for me feels like walking death the rest of the day. These fools laughed like I did but looked good doing it, popping a bottle of champagne and planning the stupid shit they would do next.

I thought about how I was going to try and nap all day in 95 degree heat.

They thought about how they were not going to try and nap all day in 95 degree heat.

That's the difference when you're older; preserving your awesomeness or at least licking your wounds secretly while no one is the wiser, lest they find out and leave you for dead.

The constant mystery for me when it comes to camping is how the fuck I get burnt. Seriously.

I put on all the sunscreen, sit in the shade most the day, and yet as the sun sets I can feel that distinct you've-been-burnt chill on my skin that reminds me of not only how white I am but how the actual hell I even got sun kissed to begin with! I wouldn't put it past my younger, more clever campmates, to pull me out into the sun while I'm sleeping and then slide me back into the shade right as I'm waking up...

Truth be told I never took a nap around them, because I'm no quitter! It's also impossible to do even if you're in the shade. It's too fucking hot but moreso the time together is just too short and previus. So instead you grab a cold one from the cooler, take a swig from the champagne and sit in an inflatable pool like we did.

Nothing says yay fun time like sitting in sweat soup with 10 other grown ass adults. No wonder we were drinking; it wasn't to stay hydrated. It was to burn that memory out of our brains.

I certainly won't forget this one... there's also a 10 hour mix in case you just can't get enough.

Epilogue - Showers: The Innocent Looking Death Trap

Fun follow-up fact to the https://thesillyshitwesay.blogspot.com/2021/06/showers-innocent-looking-death-trap.html post - our shower tub is shaped like a coffin. No joke.

LOOK!

See?  Told ya. Check the shape of your shower/tub before just hoping in and lathering up.

You could find yourself soapy, naked, and crumpled on the floor without your Life Alert to save you!

ASMR - Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response

What in the actual hell is Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response ("ASMR")? My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") sent me an online article the other day about people that enjoy watching videos of other people whispering. Read that again.

What in the actual hell?

MSMF and I immediately started laughing when he asked me if I had heard about this whispering thing. We both agreed that we are just out of touch with the way of things these days.  I joked that I already feel like an 80+ year old woman that says inappropriate and racist things and yells at people to get off my lawn. I liken all this ASMR shit to what bondage was for people in the 80's. Sure, bondage was probably around before it became mainstream or okay for people to talk about. But it didn't really "come out" that freaky shit was happening in the bedroom or at the office after hours until it became normalized. I bet you're thinking of someone right now that you either know directly or know a friend of a friend who gets down with that kinky shit.

Think about. Religion. Gender. Tacos not on Tuesday.

We live in such a "woke" love and let live culture now I frankly am not surprised when someone says, "Oh hey, have you heard that people get all tingly and feel relaxed hearing someone whisper?" Dude, that's how I feel the first few sips from a bottle of wine I'm about to drink! The only thing that would make that sensation better is MSMF whispering into my ear, "Hey babe, want me to pour you some more wine?" You really want to get me off? Ask me if I'd like some fast food with that bottle of vino.

What I didn't know is that I first heard about ASMR earlier this year. I just didn't know it was categorized as ASMR. Randomly on Facebook I saw a video about a lady that has made millions eating seafood online. The fuck you just say?! You read that correctly.

THIS BITCH MAKES MILLIONS FROM PEOPLE WATCHING HER EAT SEAFOOD ONLINE!

See for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r_kMiQt-R4&ab_channel=Channel4

I feel like I'm not living my best life when there are fucking people out there making their paper off others watching them do things they enjoy.  Shoot, it shouldn't be so surprising as what I just described also sounds like porn lol.

I don't think I've experienced the effects of ASMR but I can say that I derive a sense of satisfaction from watching "Oddly Satisfying" videos on Facebook. MSMF didn't know what the hell I was talking about and even I don't know how to really describe it. But he agreed. The videos were oddly soothing and satisfying. I'm not sure why the last puzzle piece being placed or symmetrical etchings on a fresh piece of wood makes me want to say "ah, perfect" but it does. 

Stay weird fam.

Showers: The Innocent Looking Death Trap

Sorry for the hiatus my non-readers.

Life has been moving at a million miles an hour and I feel like I can't keep up with any of it. I don't have enough time for myself, My Special Man Friend ("MSMF"), my family, my friends, my enemies... working out, cleaning the apartment, checking how many thousands of miles my car's oil change is past due...

Life is hard.

Some days I have to ask myself if I've showered and if not, how many days has it been?  When I take my hair out of it's usual messy bun on the top of my head and it stays in place, it's a clear indicator I haven't washed it in days and explains why there are zombie cats scratching at the backdoor to dine on my pungent flesh.

I'd almost rather chance it with the zombie cats than take my life into my own hands showering.

MSMF knows what I'm talking about.

That poor son of a bitch has almost killed himself, twice, falling in the shower. You know what I'm talking about; that casual, I'm-not-thinking-about-shit step into the tub followed by the tiniest hydroplane of your foot that makes you pee a little and yell out some indiscernible thing or another. 

We have ALL done it.

My modus operandi is typically to not lift my foot all the way into the tub while getting in, causing at least my big toe to smash into the side of the hard porcelain. That shit hurts and I do it way too often. I'm always mad at the tub too, like it's somehow the shower's fault. My shower slips have always been alone, which isn't good, because if I really fell and cracked my head open I'd be a goner and probably considered a suicide. MSMF on the other hand has always pulled his death trap moments with me there to witness. Poor guy. First, to sadly reach out and act like I could save him. Which is just silly because I couldn't save his lathered ass from falling. Second, to sadly try and stifle my anxious giggles by asking "awww babe, are you okay?" four or five times. Girl, you know he's not ok. 

I am truly thankful the last time the shower almost took MSMF from me that he wasn't actually hurt!

Our shower with tub is as generic as they come. And even though I bought one of those shower rods that bows out to allow the curtain to not annoying suck onto your wet skin, as most curtains do, it's still fucking small for two grown ass adults. But we love to shower together, so that means doing the shower shuffle. You know, allowing your shower companion to slip by you or vice versa without ejecting them out the tub. The problem is one or both of us usually has facial wash in our eyes or is completely lathered up, making the navigation of one another safely nearly impossible. Usually we grab onto one another, like a safety handoff between the back of the shower and the water.

However, on this faithful day I think MSMF couldn't be bothered with the buddy system transition and went to pass alone. He caught the lip of the tub with the edge of his foot which took out one leg. With nothing to hold onto the other leg followed. To me it just looked like he threw himself out of the tub! All I saw was the lather of body wash, legs, dick and balls, and the shower curtain with rod flying through the air. All of which came down with a hard thud.

I was so scared MSMF had hurt himself, I just stood there in shock for a moment. I've only seen this kind of shit in movies!

Thank God he was okay. And thank God he didn't grab me and take me with him. As I picked him and the shower curtain and rod up off the floor we both nervously laughed and attempted to finish our shower, even with the shower rod and curtain hanging all half cocked and uneven from where it once hung.

MSMF didn't even come away with a bruise. It's a shower death trap miracle! The thing is, I feel like we cheated death and now the shower wants payment.

I asked MSMF if we should install those little shower floor petals with the non-slip grip material in the tub to prevent either of us falling victim to another fall but we both agreed. Neither of us are old enough or smart enough to swallow our pride and prevent near death experiences in the future.

We like to keep our lives exciting.