Massage Brothels

Any time I've mentioned getting a massage to My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") he'd shoot me a strange look. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it meant. Until now.

Last night while unwinding from the day in bed, MSMF and I started chatting about my recent Paul Reuben post, better known as his zany adolescent man-boy persona Pee-wee Herman. He was arrested in the early 90's at an adult theater for playing with his trouser snake. Now, as many conversations with MSMF go, he's already deep into a topic mentally by the time I get brought into his thoughts. So sometimes it's hard to catch up.

Me: "While I don't think the punishment matched the crime, why couldn't Reuben just play with himself at home!?"

MSMF: "Well what about massage places?"

Me: "What about massage places?"
MSMF: "People get 'happy endings' there don't they?"

Me: "Nooo... typically people are not touching your junk at professional massage spots."

MSMF: (looking at me confused)

Me: "Babe. What exactly is it that you think is happening at places where people go to get a massage?"
MSMF: "That you're getting a rub or tug at some point?"

Me: (laughing) "No. Babe. No. Not professional places anyway."

MSMF: "So those kind of places don't exist?"

Me: "No, they do but any place that does that kind of thing would be super seedy."
MSMF: "Well, what about the New England Patriot's owner? He got in trouble for some funny business at a massage parlor. And I even experienced some inappropriate touching while getting my hair cut."

Me: "Wait, what?"

MSMF: "Yeah. At a place called Sport Clips. I got the 'MVP' package with a hot towel and massage but while the lady worked on me her breasts were rubbing up against me."

Me: "Ok. What is it that you're saying?"

MSMF: "I'm saying that massage places are just a front for a brothel."

Me: (dying laughing now) "Ok. Wait." (laughing some more) "Come on. Ok." (slowing enough to breath) "You think massage places are brothels?"

MSMF: "Well...aren't they?"

Me: "Jesus babe. No. They're not."

MSMF: "So there's no secret menu? Like, if I go in for a normal massage but then I say or do something wrong and suddenly I'm getting the secret service?"

Me: "No...they're places to go get knots or tension or even injuries worked out of your muscles. Or to relax. There's no secret menu and there's nothing sexual going on. Or I should say there shouldn't be."

MSMF: "Oh."

Me: "So, this whole time when JZ or I would talk about getting massages you thought we were getting sexual favors?"

MSMF: "No. Well, I don't know. Maybe you were getting a tug..."

Me: (dying laughing again) "Babe, I wouldn't get a 'tug'. Jesus. What do you think is going on down there? A rub maybe but not a tug."

MSMF: "Ok, a rub. A rub!"

Me: "It's no wonder why you've never wanted to go get a massage. They're really nice but God if you thought they were just places for unsolicited or hell solicited yank jobs, I can see why the thought made you uncomfortable."

I don't know about you but I cannot wait to get rubbed and tugged from a massage brothel.