Slip 'N Slide & Crocodile Mile

Have you ever heard of a Slip 'N Slide? Crocodile Mile?

Have you ever had the pleasure of owning one or other similar aquatic Summer lawn product?

I recently read that due to the heatwave we're going through in California and COVID keeping us away from the water parks, Slip 'N Slide sales are booming. It gave me a chuckle as it made me nostalgic and happy to know that companies like Wham-O is still fucking kids up.

Maybe I was just an overzealous kid that ran too fast or didn't use the product right, but whether I had a Slip 'N Slide or a Crocodile Mile my ass always ended up careening off the far end of that all too warm plastic. And I'm not talking oh whoops, I missed the end zone - giggle giggle - pick yourself up and start again. I'm talking by the time I hit the last length of slide or the "splash pool", I was hydroplaning sideways at 5-7 miles an hour with nothing to stop me but grass and my face. I used to use the Slip 'N Slide so often in the Summer that a small pool of water would build up at the bottom of the little down slope my Grandmother had in the backyard. It served as my sludgy grass Crocodile Mile splash pool until they actually came out with the damn thing.

I was always told as a kid to "go out and play." The adult version of I don't want you inside annoying me while I drink my boxed wine out of a coffee cup. Never you mind if there was anything or anyone to play with. As you can infer by the previous sentence money WAS an object when I was young, so imagine how out of my mind crazy I was when I got a Slip 'N Slide. Problem was of course the water. I couldn't very well run the hose all damn day. The water would flood the grass and my Mother and Grandmother would have to take up second jobs to pay the water bill. If I had a dollar for every time my sweet meats met hot, burning plastic without water on it I would've had enough for my college tuition.

Crocodile Mile by Marchon also took layers of skin off your limbs, though if you could get your Superman form perfected to slide hard enough and long enough to hit the splash pool you were heaven. I mean, LITERALLY in heaven. The crocodile tarp, blow up bumps, and pool were meant to slow you down and welcome you to a nice cool down because your bathing suit more than likely caught fire from the friction of your spandex suit and plastic tarp slide. In reality though, the bumps only served to launch your flaming body into space, well over the splash pool, landing face first into the hard grass. Did Wham-O and Marchon test these damn things with real kids before sending them into mass production and out into the world?

Crocodile Mile's catchy jingle "You run, you slide, you hit the bump and take a dive!" is 50% true until the 'bump' and 'dive' part. Realistically it should go - You run, you slide, you catch fire, you launch into orbit, and you land a crumpled grassy mess somewhere in your neighbors yard. Slip 'N Slide at least kept things honest. They weren't overselling shit. You got a tarp and two metal stake fasteners. That's it. Their jingle, "Sliiiiip. Slip 'N Slide" is an honest sell and as simple as the product. Honest but again not telling the whole truth of the experience. It should have been - Sliiiiip. Judge your running speed carefully. Or - Sliiiip. Slip 'N Glide (into the bushes or whatever else you put too close to the end of the small tarp runway).

Don't believe me? All you need do is watch the below original commercials from the 80's to see what I mean. These kids are laughing their asses off in the commercials but I'd bet my imaginary college tuition money after the take that they were holding their shin and sitting in the grass a little bit shook wondering what the fuck just happened. User experiences may vary.