Ever since my Mom sent me a text photo of some hideous mutated deer ass taxidermy at her local auction house in VA I've been in love. You gotta see this thing. Look!
Isn't it marvelous?! She didn't think anyone would bid. I knew better and told her to bid up to $100. It sold for $175.
If I knew then what I know now I would have found the extra money to go higher. But buying silly shit like this is exactly the reason why I'm driving a 94 Toyota Corolla with 300,000 miles and living in an overpriced apartment, rather than owning my own condo and driving a car made this century.
Assquatches are not a new thing. In fact, they made their mysterious debut in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi. Check it out...
My VA assquatch isn't looking so fucking terrible now, is it!?
Not only are assquatches not a new thing but my odd draw to taxidermy isn't a new thing to me. I bought a squirrel butt to take with me to Burning Man in 2014. It was a great addition to our camp, United Squirrel Army, bar front. I'd love to add more ass taxidermy to my single squirrel butt but as it turns out taxidermy of any sort is expensive, especially assquatches.
My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") and I have been talking about a particularly controversial piece of ass - my cat Jaja's cute little behind. We can't quite figure out if we're horrified by the idea of taxidermy-ing her backside or love it. She is a really special little beast to both of us and the thought of her not being in our lives is both inevitable but unimaginable. Jaja's pooter has always been a source of laughter and truth be told her best ass-et.
Jaja got her little chicken legs nickname from the funny way in which she crawls up and hangs off of my shoulder, her tail and legs dangling limp and freely down. Just begging to be pulled at and pinched. Nothing like pinching a little cat butt.
As Jaja has gotten older she has decided that she's just too old to give a shit enough to squat while peeing in her box, let alone clean up her feet or backside. Yesterday morning for example, MSMF, Jaja, and I were being lazy in bed. She got up to stretch, so MSMF gave her a pet followed by a few pats back and forth on her rump. As if on queue, a small clinger plopped down on the pillow right in front of my face! After the gross out passed, MSMF and I both joked it would be funny to put little seasonal clingers on her taxidermy butt; little gift box for Christmas, little heart for Valentine's Day... you know, dressed up cat ass taxidermy. Not to mention the endless cat butt/leg pinches I could get in.
Though the price of adding Jaja's rear to the wall may ultimately be the deciding factor, I have looked into it. I know my Mom would be horrified. MSMF and I also floated the idea to a few friends, all of whom just looked at us horrified and quickly changed the subject.
Sure, it's slightly disturbing to think about my little fur baby's ass on the wall, dressed up or not.
But(t) come on! Nothing can be quite as horrifying as an assquatch, right?
And in case you haven't had enough of the weirdness, here's an article with more examples of assquatches from Sad and Useless:
And for those of you that are just dying to know how to make an assquatch, check out Awkward's article:
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