Prison Hobby

MSMF: "What would your prison hobby be?"

Me: *rolls over sleepily in bed* "Whaaaat...?"

MSMF: "What would your hobby in prison be?"

Me: "God, I don't know. You can have hobbies in prison?"

MSMF: "Sure."

Me: "I know. I don't know. Ok, I got it. I would cross stitch. What would you do?"

MSMF: "I'd paint."

Me: "Painting?"

MSMF: "Yeah. Like, super religious paintings. I'm gonna get really good at the Crucifixion and the Virgin of Guadalupe."

Me: "Oh my God babe."

MSMF: "Exactly."

Me: "Thing is, I wouldn't be allowed to have a needle."

MSMF: "What are you going to do, poke someone to death?"

Me: "It would take a few weeks but maybe I could work on a main artery or something. Come to think of it, you probably can't have a paint brush either. Prison paint brush shiv all the way."

Now we're both laughing. Figuring out what you'd do in prison for a hobby isn't easy. We both agreed spending our time in the library to get a law degree and get out of prison would be the way to go. Or learn another language.

What would your prison hobby be?

Why Is Anal Bleaching A Thing?

It's not every morning I wake up thinking, why is anal bleaching a thing, but it's what I had on the brain last weekend.

I laughed My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") right out of bed with my uncomfortable, odd line of questioning and reasoning around anal bleaching. He's not the only one that says silly shit. But apparently doesn't ponder this kind of silly shit.

Seriously though. Why is anal bleaching a thing?

How fancy does ones asshole need to be?  Or white for that matter?  Are our buttholes dark? Is your butthole or for that matter my butthole in need of whitening?

I've heard of teeth whitening. Face whitening. And yes, sadly anal whitening.

But as I asked MSMF - When? Why? When and why would someone ever learn what anal bleaching is!?

He confessed he knows what it is but couldn't quite tell me when or why he knows that people lighten their pooper. I can't tell you when or why either.  Isn't that weird? It's weird.

When I Googled "why is anal bleaching a thing?" here was the response:

Bleaching is a way of lightening this area temporarily. It can help the color around the anus appear more uniform with the rest of the body. Some people find that this helps them feel more confident in their appearance.

Ok fam.  Serious talk.

Who in God's name is looking for confidence from the appearance of their ass hole!?

If anal bleaching is a confidence booster then what the hell does the rest of the person look like!?  Bleaching your booty is NOT going to boost your confidence if that's what's needed to feel good about yourself. Game over.

And according to a Cosmopolitan poll from 2020, 83% of readers said they'd consider bleaching their brown eye. Ladies, or men, what in the fuck is wrong with you? I could have a fluorescent blue booty hole down there and not think to myself, hmm, better set up that salon appointment this weekend to get my anus bright and white!

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/advice/a3634/anal-bleaching-trend/

And I know, I know sex work and porn and blah blah blah. But Christ, who cares if the skin is slightly different colored? It's au naturel.

So dear reader, why do YOU think anal bleaching is a thing?

I just couldn't help this anal bleaching doughnut pic, especially in light of my last blog post about molested Instagram doughnuts:

https://thesillyshitwesay.blogspot.com/2021/02/molested-instagram-doughnut.html

Molested Instagram Doughnut

I loved doughnuts as a kid.

My Grandmother and I would go to the local doughnut shop every weekend. I can still smell the inside of the shop, tucked into a dingy little strip mall next door to a 7-11. My childhood tastes were simple - standard bar chocolate iced or raised ring with sprinkles.

It's been at least two years since I got my hands on some fried, doughy goodness and sadly it wasn't memorable. Some chocolate, sugar glazed hipster doughnut from an overpriced shop on Abbey Kinney in Venice. Took a few bites and tossed it in the nearest trash can. My enjoyment didn't match the caloric intake and guilt I felt, so the doughnut had to go!

On our walk home from brunch a few Sundays ago with JZ and Beyonce, My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") entertained us with the silliest doughnut story. Inspired I believe by a local bakery we stopped into on the walk home. We only window shopped, due to the french fries and massive stack of pancakes we both ate, but God damn the cinnamon buns looked delicious.

Mouths watering, MSMF proceeded to tell us about the last time he had an "Instagram" doughnut.  A few years ago his two childhood friends sent him a photo of a dozen doughnuts they picked up saying he should come over. MSMF was only half way to his buddies place when a second text came through - a photo with most of the doughnuts cut in half and sampled and the threat that he "better show up soon!"

By the time MSMF arrived there was only 1 doughnut left.

Us: "NO WAY!"

MSMF: "YEAH!"

Us: *general shock and laughter*

MSMF: "RIGHT!?"

Me: "They almost ate a dozen doughnuts between the two of them?"

MSMF: "I know. Crazy right?!"

Us: "Yeah."

MSMF: "We argued for, like, two hours about it. I was pissed."

JZ: "About what?"

MSMF: "That they didn't leave me any doughnuts."

Beyonce: "Wait. Didn't they leave you a bunch of quarter pieces of each doughnut?"

MSMF: "NO!"

Me: "So, hold on. What was left?"

MSMF: "Just a single molested Instagram doughnut."

Three words I never thought I'd hear spoken together: molested Instagram doughnut.

Beyonce: "What made them 'Instagram' doughnuts?"

MSMF: "They were from some famous shop for making artisanal doughnuts or some shit."

Me: "Whatever the fuck that means. So what made them 'molested'?"

MSMF: "They cut a piece off of it!"

Me: "So, hold on. What were you mad about; that there weren't any doughnuts left or that the one doughnut that was left for you was molested?"

MSMF: "BOTH!"

Us: *uncontrollable laughter*

Me: "Oh babe, you are hilarious."

So what molested Instagram doughnut was MSMF left to eat in anger, you're wondering?

It was the maple iced bar with a strip of bacon on top.

Gross.