The Mystery Cough

My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") has a mystery cough.

If I'm being honest, mystery cough is putting it delicately.

More like, mystery wretch.

He coughs with such force and so frequently in the mornings that I can hear him gagging and dry heaving downstairs. He tries to hide it, but I know it's happening. The sound of someone almost vomiting is very distinctive.

My favorite coughs are the ones MSMF tries to suppress in bed while laying next to me. Suddenly his body will seize up and he stops breathing. To get him to breath and cough I tease him by saying "cough cough cough cough". It always gets him laughing... and coughing.

It's like this day in and day out.

What makes his cough a mystery is the fact that it only happens here in the Westside and only when MSMF is in bed. When he stays in Ventura or we travel somewhere else his hack disappears.

I'm betting on the pillows or dust but he thinks it might be my hair products.

I have no clue what the hell could be causing it but it seems to me the only way to figure it out would be to come up with a list of suspects and start testing solutions. You'd think MSMF would make a list and get to it but so far he hasn't; he just self-induce vomits instead.

After two days of dry heaving I'd be over it. I guess everyone has a different cough till you puke tolerance.

Here are my theories and suspected likelihood that I'm right:

1. My Shampoo/Conditioner    0 out of 10

I'm not buying this one. For starters, MSMF would never be able to take a shower with me which he often does. As soon as I lather up, he'd be throwing a lung and falling out of the tub wrapped in the shower curtain. My second line of reasoning for my hair products not being the root cause is the simple fact that we snuggle on the couch together all the time. I sit between his legs, leaning back onto his chest. His face is practically IN MY HAIR. Yet he doesn't cough on the couch! MSMF thinks that because he sleeps so close to my hair that it must be the reason he coughs. Unless he's huffing my golden locks I'm just not buying it.

2. Pillows    5 out of 10

I feel slightly ashamed to admit how old my pillows are. The body pillow at the top of our bed that the cat sleeps on is from... college. I graduated in fucking 01', so yeah, there's that. I said it. I just aged myself and the body pillow. While the pillows we put our heads on are much newer, they miiight not be from the last decade. That's a lot of drool and tears and God knows what else built up over the years. But could they be causing MSMF's cough? Maybe.

3. Dust    6 out of 10

I'm ashy. Like, really ashy. No matter how much scrubbing or lotion I put on this body, I shed. Horribly. Dust is mostly made up of dead human skin cells, so there's nothing shocking here. And as often as I'd like to say that I keep the house perfectly clean, the truth is downstairs, yes. I vacuum and dust at least once a week. But upstairs... meh. What can I say? I do the best with the time I have. A few months back I deep cleaned the bedroom. There wasn't a dust bunny that I didn't take care of. MSMF said that his cough improved, I noticed a slight change. If his coughing subsided for a week, he was certainly back at it on week two.

4. Nasal Drip/Stomach Reflux    7 out of 10

Ultimately my money is on nasal drip or some nighttime version of acid/stomach reflux. I should know, I had this issue quite a few years back. I'm sure going to bed after drinking a bottle of wine by myself didn't help, however, every morning I would wake up and have to clear my throat for the next hour or so. It just felt raw. Like I was snoring with my mouth open all night or something. A trip to an ear, nose and throat doctor exposed my leaky stomach valve; I needed to stop drinking (anything) late at night and I had to elevate my bed 3-6 inches only at the headboard. This produced the weirdest feeling. You wouldn't think just a few inches at the top of your bed would make such a big difference but it did. If I didn't feel like I was being raised out of bed for lift off, I felt like I was slowing sliding off the bed.

The type of cough MSMF has just sounds like and convicts me to some version of 4. Dust and old pillows also might be playing a part. But who the fuck knows!? MSMF actually has to give a shit enough about this himself to figure it out. I'll help but dude some shit you have got to instigate on your own.

Cough cough cough cough.

C Word vs. B Word

Which is worse?

Calling someone a cunt or calling them a beaver?

Most often these terms of endearment are reserved for women but I'm an equal opportunist when it comes to name calling.

Let's start with cunt. At best, most people can't stand the word and I would argue many of those same people wouldn't use the word at all. It might even bother you, dear reader, to see the word because you're hearing it in your head - aren't you? Cunt. Cuuuuunt. Cunt cunt cunt.

I don't remember the first time I heard the word let alone the first time I used the word but I do fondly remember the time I called my former boss a cunt.

My work husband and I were on our morning break and I was at my breaking point. He and I had spent years under the same boss' constant scrutiny, ruthless judgement and general tyranny. I don't remember how it exactly rolled off my tongue but it was something to the effect of, "God damn it. She is such a fucking cunt!" Oxygen left Earth for the split second my work husband inhaled - he was aghast. Of all the wrongs he and I suffered he still couldn't compel himself to hear the word let alone accept the use of it to define our boss, as a woman or her unacceptable behaviors.

What's funny is the sheer impact and force of the word cunt in his mind must have been so great that he ended up using it to describe our boss a few years later. It was my turn to be shocked; mostly because it conveyed to me just how pissed and disgusted he was with her. It took time but she wore him down.

Now, I've never called anyone a beaver. But My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") has. Many times.

The first time I heard him say, "Oh, those beavers" I was like "Oh shit! Dude. Duuude. No" Then we both awkwardly stared at each other like, what? What did I say? Turns out MSMF loves the term beaver and what's funny, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. Well, not until recently.

Every time he's referred to a good friend or mutual acquaintance as a "beaver" I've just laughed because I know he's just saying "that girlfriend" or "that chic".  And I've tried to tell him calling someone a beaver, especially a woman, is probably NOT the right nomenclature but shit, who am I to be the Politically Correct Police? Jesus, I am the last person. Remember, I'm Borat.

https://thesillyshitwesay.blogspot.com/2020/12/youre-like-borat.html

The cunt vs. beaver debate reached a crescendo on St. Patrick's Day. We met JZ and Beyoncé out for a drink and figured we'd consult two decently level headed humans to see what they thought. 

They thought we were both inappropriate and fucking insane.

In fact JZ insisted we stop the debate altogether, sighting his disgust with us due to his having gone to cotillion and finishing school. He also warned MSMF, "I would avoid any discussion involving another woman's reproductive parts." MSMF and I were already a few drinks in, so we just laughed and kept arguing with one another under our breath.

What I found even funnier is that MSMF finally realized that calling someone a beaver was pretty fucking offensive. He didn't believe me when I told him to slow his roll on the use of the term, ooooh no. He only realized and accepted the severity after someone else schooled him on his beaver sensibilities. Thanks babe.

MSMF now swears he won't say beaver anymore but now I'm on the warpath. I find it so damn cute and funny that there's no way I'm letting the use of it die.

Ultimately, use of any offensive word or misdirected/misunderstood name calling hinges on who you're talking to. Before the great beaver debate, MSMF and I discussed the use of cunt with my New Zealand girlfriend and she found absolutely no problem with it. And I quote, "People use it all the time in Europe. It's almost normal, cunt this and cunt that. People will walk up and be like, 'Oh hey cunt!'"

So, what say you - are you on the cunt side of the fence? Beaver side of the fence? Both? Neither?

Why So Derpy?

Ok, I gotta rant here. I have the derpy-ist fucking roommate. Seriously.

There. I said it.

I know My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") is probably saying "Baby..." and silently judging me for being a judgmental, name slinging biatch but damn it. Home slice cannot go one day without doing something fucking stupid!

So, I made the painful but adulting decision to take on a roommate for a few months two weeks ago. And ever since Ms. Thang moved in, she's been hell bent on a mix of obnoxiousness and fucking shit up around the apartment. Now, I may be a grown ass working professional woman living in an apartment that had to take on a roommate but God damn it that doesn't mean that I don't care about my place looking nice or that I don't have nice/expensive things in said place!

If something is going to get fucked up it better be me doing it. And trust me, I have messed up before. But it's rare. *que some better than thou anthem song*

Ok, here's the list of charges so far... IN JUST TWO WEEKS!

(Technically a week and a half because she didn't move in right away.  Noted, in my defense).

1. She broke my outdoor hanging lamp while moving in.

Technically, it wasn't her but some dude. This gets better. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, however, after hearing a massive crash and Ms. Thang leaning into the front doorway saying "we broke your lamp" I find her (without a mask) and some dude (also not wearing a mask) carrying a massive computer desk monitor. She called him a "good Samaritan" that was just there to help her out but all he did was help himself into my damn lamp! I've had matching lamps hanging on either side of the front door since I moved in and sadly with one broken, both have to be replaced. Ugh.

(Fun Fact: Now with the glass missing from the lamp, the property repairman broke the candlelight timer inside the lamp a few days later because he knocked into it causing just the light to fall out)

2. She tracked dirt on the floor and carpet on the stairs.

MSMF and I loosely follow a no shoes in the house rule once you clear the front door hallway. Ms. Thang was aware of this but somehow managed during her first morning at the apartment to muck up the hallway floor and stairs. I knew it was her and waited until she got home to mention it; I'm not her Mom so I wasn't going to clean it up. Even MSMF commented on it when he got to the apartment that evening. So what happens when she gets home? I point it out to her and she goes, "oh. ok!" and goes up to her room. Hello! Earth to derp?

3. Her general curiosity and banter.

As I said to a girlfriend of mine this past weekend, the Derp and I are not friends. Nor do I want to be. Sure I want things to be respectable and easy between us but for the most part I want her to stick to her room or to her own shit and stay out of ours. She also has this weird giggle laugh that just makes me want to say, "Guuuuuurrrrrrl." Any time MSMF and I are cooking or watching TV, we get 20 questions. I don't want to play 20 questions after a long day and just want to relax in silence doing whatever MSMF and I are doing. And the tough part is MSMF is all for engaging her, which just makes her engage more! 

4. She soaked the bathroom floor mat.

Again, I'm not sure how she managed to pull this off. But literally I came home from sushi one night and found the bathroom rug soaked. When I left for dinner she was taking a bath. Ok, cool. I like baths too. No big deal. But what the hell was she doing in the bath? Water aerobics!? Now, I've gotten out of the shower before without a towel and yes, you get the floor mat wet. This wasn't wet. To repeat, THIS WAS SOAKED! I can only imagine she was replaying scenes from Splash or Free Willy in there.

5. She has no sense for turning lights off.

I guess when people don't pay the bills for things they don't have an appreciation for the thing they're not paying for. Home slice's internet and electricity is included in her rent. Since moving in, I've had to remind her and/or turn the lights off myself almost every time she turns them on. I wait the cursory 5-10 minutes hoping "she's coming back" in my mind but no. She ain't comin' back! She's thoughtless and careless to the ways of the light switch. You know, that thing you flick up and down and the lights go on and off? I'm sure if I start charging her for part of the electric bill she'll turn the fucking lights off.

And for her Derpy Coup de Grace:

6. Ms. Thang dumped her coffee all over the bottom half of the stairs.

I heard it happen. I was sitting at my makeshift work desk when I heard the tell-tale signs of derpy shit happening downstairs. The sound of blundering, fumbling, and ultimately - "oh no". I was already too pissed to get up and see what happened. After 5 minutes of hearing her walk back and forth from the kitchen and the paper towel roll depleting, I hear "hey I spilled some coffee but everything's good". Bitch you KNOW everything is not good. But I walked downstairs and didn't immediately see anything wrong. She holds up a towel she got under the kitchen sink and asks, "what should I do with this?" Seriously? What do you want me to do with it?! Channeling the Buddha I say to her, "just wash it the next time you do laundry."

She pops off to work and I jump onto a conference call. But something told me that wasn't the end of the derp.

Sure enough, I went downstairs to inspect the cleanup and found a fucking disaster when I turned the lights on. There was coffee splattered on the fabric storage boxes, coffee INSIDE the storage ottoman that functions as a seat near the front door, coffee on the wall and underneath the ottoman... seriously a coffee bomb went off. And yeah, I was left to clean it up because what was I going to do? Let it sit there all day and screw shit up even more?

All she had to say about it when I sent her pictures of the mess she left behind was, "oh I'll be sure to check next time". Next time? NEXT TIME? There isn't going to be a next time Queen Derp!

Good lord, what else does she have in store?

In an insanely short amount of time she has helped me realize that my ability to tolerate a roommate is nonexistent. That ship has sailed. Or I should say my ability to handle a 20-something derpster has left the building.

The perfect sound that describes what I think about when I see or hear her is the little jingle Beaky Buzzard sings to himself while flying.

Peep the clip around the 1:09 mark. The derp and character is spot on!

The Westside Hot Chicken Rumble

There's a hot chicken rumble goin' down in the Westside!

A few months back My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") said he spotted this hot chicken place he wanted to try for lunch. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what place he was talking about... I have walked as well as rode a million times up and down Venice Blvd and I've NEVER seen a fucking hot chicken place.

Not that that's surprising. I have a strong visual memory but everything from Overland Ave to at least Sepulveda Blvd is a blur because I'm convinced that every building between those blocks is a front for something.

What, I don't know. But each spot is shady as fuck.

You've got the odd dentist building with faded signage. Next door to that is the Techno Mexican seafood place with blaring music and no customers. Then there's a bean bag place. Seriously. Bean bags. And to make sure that you know there's a bean bag place there to, you know, buy all your bean bags, they have hung 3 or 4 from the store front. But they're not fresh, shiny bean bags. They have definitely been hanging there since bean bags were a thing, so... the 70's?

Somewhere between the techno ceviche and the withered sad bags there apparently is a hot chicken place. Al's Hot Chicken. I was just excited to eat fried chicken and french fries for a meal, since MSMF and I had been dialing it in after quite a few decadent weeks of eating. While I do love chicken tenders and even on occasion make them at home, I've never had "hot" chicken before. Al's was decent. Toasted but soft buns, crispy flavored hot chicken and fresh crunchy fries. Forget the slaw because you know, white sauce.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. While MSMF and I were riding home from the beach we spotted a new place was taking over the old Umami Burger spot - Dave's Hot Chicken. We were like "OH SHIT!" Al has competition! It's going to be an all out hot chicken turf war in our hood! Que the hot chicken cock fights!

I noticed Dave's had finally opened, so it was time to do a taste test. Thing is, the place has had a massive line every time we've passed by. When we mentioned going to Dave's later that evening for dinner to a girlfriend of ours she went on and on about their sauce and the honey and the hotness. It just built up the fried chicken suspense!

Last night was the night. We bought all the things Dave's Hot Chicken had to offer and what can I say?

We're both sticking with Al!

Our final conclusion: While MSMF and I both liked the seasoning and moist chicken at Dave's, Al's is just as good. Isn't a chain and is less expensive. Gotta rep your local hood and support local. Fuck you Dave!

And for some finger licking reading on how hot chicken really happened, per The Bitter Southerner:

https://bittersoutherner.com/how-hot-chicken-really-happened

Beef Teki Disco Steki

My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") is half Greek half Italian.

But you wouldn't know that by the way he eats or who he associates with. He's definitely not an Italian Greek or frankly Italian at all, which makes me sad. Don't ask me why because I don't know why. It just does.

He loves Greek shit, particularly Greek food. Can't get enough of it. Probably wishes he were eating it right now. Sadly, I don't think I'd ever make it as the poster child for Greek food lover. Most of the shit he's tried to get me to eat, like lamb or Mick Jagger, has never been a part of my grocery list nor something that I'd seek out to eat. Like, ever.

Mick Jagger is our slang for tzatziki, inspired by MSMF and his friends calling it John Jaggi. It's their way of making fun of how most people can't pronounce the word. I don't find it the hardest thing to say in the world but I loved the John Jaggi nickname and figured I'd put my own spin on it.  And to me it sounded a lot like Mick Jagger.

And for the record, I hate the shit. I'm not a big fan of dill but even less a fan of cucumber and white sauce. White sauce of ANY kind. Yogurt, mayo, whatever.

Yes, in case you're pondering it. ALL WHITE SAUCES!

MSMF and I hadn't eaten anything Mediterranean in awhile, so he was ready for a fix. When he offered to cook "beefteki" the other night I said fine. Balls of onion meat with feta in the middle popped into the oven with a tray of potatoes didn't sound like the worst dinner. Problem was I couldn't understand what the fuck he was saying.

Me: "What are we having again?"

MSMF: "Beefteki."

Me: "Beefsteki."

MSMF: "Beefteki."

Me:"Beefsteaky."

MSMF: "Beef. Teki."

Me: "Beefy steaky disco techi."

MSMF: laughing "Beef teki."

Me: "Beef steki disco teki."

MSMF: "Nooooo..."

Me: "Beef teki disco steaky."

MSMF: "YES! Yes. Beef teki."

Me: "Beef steki."

MSMF: "Babe. Beef teki. No 's'."

Me: "Oh! No s. So beefteki."

MSMF: "YES!"

Me: "Beef teki."

MSMF: loling "Yes."

Me: "Beefteki."

MSMF: "Beefteki."

Funny thing, I looked it up. It's not even "beef" teki. It's bifteki. BIFTEKI! With an I. And definitely no damn s.

Unlike Mick Jagger the bifteki was really good. I would totally have beef teki disco steki again.

*Que obnoxious bangin' Euro tech-disco sounds*