Just F*cking Let Go Already

I have the hardest time letting something go. Someone. Something. Any of it. All of it.

Except for the things or people in my life that I have willfully pruned away, letting go of changes that have occurred by ACCEPTING that they have happened has always been a long and painful process. I thought by this point in my life I'd be better at it. But I'm not.

Lately the little nuggets of shit I haven't been able to let go of have been plaguing me. In dreams, random thoughts while I'm awake. The best let-go's always rear their awesome little heads typically when I'm having a grand ol' time. You know the ones - you're buzzed and having the time of your life so naturally some stupid shit you haven't been able to let go of or that you THOUGHT you let go of - pokes it's head in on your good time to ensure that it's summarily ruined. That or at least brings you down a peg.

It feels like there's a laundry list of let-go's right now that are making me edgy, annoyed and overall broodish. What that really means is that there has been a lot of change in the last year or so. A good portion of which I believe I got dealt dirty on. It's hard to not let change in your life linger in the negative sense when you gave something your all or were a good human and still got fucked. You still took an "L". It creates a "why?" thought and emotion that for the life in me just won't clear. I'm sure there are answers to the question. I even thought I found resolution in a few instances or solid reasoning to justify the let go. But if I did, then why are they lingering around like those weird gnats that hang out in the middle of the room of certain restaurants. WHY ARE YOU HERE? GO THE FUCK AWAY. NO ONE WANTS YOU.

COVID has been odd and alienating not to mention a huge challenge for many to accept in terms of the impact it has had on life. On the world. Putting the pandemic aside, in 2020 I have grappled with my neurological health from Vestibular Migraines, the end of a big relationship and 2 friendships, attempting to come to terms with my 19 year old cat's terminal illnesses, being grounded from ankle surgery, and the general quandary of what the fuck am I doing with my life.  When I read that back it's no wonder I started drinking more, let alone feel on edge.

So how do you let go? Or is it just the way of things; that old memories, poor choices, and lingering frustrations will always come and go?

A colleague once told me her way of dealing with things was simple. When something was overwhelming or if she was unable to deal with an issue at the time, she'd shelf it.  Mentally,  emotionally and maybe even physically, she'd put the matter at hand on the shelf. It doesn't mean the problem or pain has gone away, it just means that you have relieved the immediate burden and weight off your shoulders.

God forbid there's ever an earthquake because my shelved bullshit will bury me!