Well, not really but I've threatened to get one. I've threatened My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") with a merkin.
The reason requires a little TMI but the truth of it is that I got laser happy a little over a year ago. I was sick and tired of spending a shit ton of money to get waxed just to have painful ingrowns and to go through the whole process again in a month or two. I also couldn't get a fun lightning bolt shape which is fucking lame and I feel like a flat out lie. My "waxologist" would only offer me a triangle or a strip, both of which would come in and out of vogue depending on the season. Who knew pubic hair had trends? With my Harry Potter lightning bolt dreams dashed I said enough was enough.
What I didn't know, stepping into the world of lasers, is that is takes FOREVER to get rid of hair. You wait at least a month or more between sessions, meaning you'll still have a funky beav well after summer came and went. I decided to go full monty with the lasering; why go half assed or should I say partially pubed? Sadly, what I ended up with is a version of Salt Bae for the nether region - a little here, a little sprinkled over there. Patchy, with a chance of small hairs. That is the second thing I didn't know about lasers. I was imagining smooth as a baby's butt but what I got was a defuncted chia pet.
I have to admit the lack of hair does elicit a certain, shall we say, prepubescence that frankly even creeps me out. Sometimes I feel like a Mrs. Potato Head of body parts - early to mid 30's looking face, perky 20 year old tits, 70-something year old spotted skin, teenage looking lady bits... I'm not sure if I'm aging up, down or sideways.
I don't know if MSMF has encountered a slightly balded beav before or just finds my lack of coverage...different. But my penchant for baldness has been brought up a few times and this lazy wind-down evening banter in bed was no different. So, I figured it was time to find a solution.
MSMF: *another random observation about my lack of hair*
Me: "I've told you. I do have hair. It's just hard to see and also not really there."
MSMF: "You're right. It is there."
Me: "I told you." *knowing this is going to come up again so I better find a creative way to shut it down*
Me: "What do you think about a merkin?"
MSMF: "A merkin?"
Me: "Yeah. A merkin. I can pick up any manner of muff. Kind of like those mustache fun packs you get at Party City."
MSMF/Me: *both laughing*
MSMF: "Yeah, no."
Me: "No? No big bush? No mini-fro?"
MSMF: "No."
Me: "Okayyy. What about a strip?
MSMF: "No."
MSMF: "No."
Me: "Or a handlebar 70's porno stache like the one you're rocking?"
MSMF: "Nooo."
Me: "Maybe a mini-Hitler stache?"
MSMF: "Baby! No. No merkin."
And just like that, no merkin. Any style merkin was off the table. I just enjoyed entertaining one. For some reason I find even the existence of a merkin to be amusing, let alone the fact that they are used hilarious. The options and reasons, once you start looking into it, are endless! Check out the article I linked to read about the "murky" history of merkins.
FUN FACT - MSMF shaved off his porno handlebar stach the next day. I have no idea why.
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