Shut Up So I Can Hear You

I fucked up tonight.

Big.

I went to an event that I was told was COVID safe and it wasn't.

I was planning to see my two favorite people on this Earth aside from my cat, my partner, and my Mom two days from now and instead I have to cancel with them because I fucked up.

I'm pissed.

Trusting people has come at a massively heavy price lately. And I'm tired of paying it.

I care more about my favorites living, in case I was exposed to the virus, than I am about seeing them Sunday. The disease has never been fully real to me until being grossly exposed to an overly dumb population of people that were being flagrantly nonchalant about the fact that they weren't wearing masks and could potentially be infecting one another - or even infecting the next group of people that they talked to. 

God damn it.

I've always been much more cavalier about the COVID bullshit than My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") but now I find myself having to make the call to tell him to fuck off because I care about him and because I got got. I James Bonded into the lion's den of COVID. It's an intense soundtrack that ultimately has a prophetic ending - Bond trips and falls and succumbs.

I'm the white night without a horse.

You're not doing anyone a favor. You fucked up and now you have to ride into town looking like the asshole that you are. On a donkey no less. It's not heroic or pretty.

No one wants to be the bad guy. The fall guy. The one that got all their family sick with COVID. That's what we've all been fearing right? You'd see some friends or go to the store or do your job that's high exposure and then suddenly - BAM! COVID. No one wants that burden or guilt. God forbid anyone get really sick or worse...

There were so many weird things that happened tonight. Like dominos laid up to inevitably fall. Was I a part of the plan or did I help lay the dominos?

There's so much sound in the deafening silence. Of my experiences these days. Of my mind.

Shut up so I can hear you.