Bulgur. Middle Eastern cuisine staple. Whole grain superstar. Bane of my existence.
Frankly, I don't even remember what recipe I needed bulgur for but what I do know is that I have a metric ton of the shit sitting in my pantry cupboard taking up way too much damn space.
I should have known the dish was going to be some bullshit when I searched every nearby grocery store, including my local Indian and Thai bodegas, and couldn't find bulgur. If you can't find whatever exotic shit you're looking for at your little niche bodegas, move on and throw that recipe away. It's not worth the headache.
But we're talking about me here. And I'm stubborn, persistent, and wanted to try something new. There's only so many times My Special Man Friend ("MSMF") and I can do variations of meat and veggies or pasta before you want to flip the fuck out.
So I did what anyone on the verge of flipping out would do when they can't find something. I checked Amazon. And let me just say there are dedicated memes and reddit chats dedicated to the shit people thought they bought on Amazon vs. what showed up in the mail.
I am one of those assholes.
Popped onto Amazon, bing bang boom, and ordered up some bulgur for next day delivery. I thought I had bought a typical sized plastic bag of the stuff, like you'd find beans or rice in at the store. What I ended up receiving that next fateful day was a SANDBAG size of bulgur. A family dedicated to eating a dish everyday with bulgur wouldn't get through this fucking thing in a year. Or maybe even two. This is the pitfall of buying from Amazon; if you don't check the price WITH the product details you really are buying blind. Case in point - check out this Bored Panda article.
Annoyed with myself I figured, ok. There's got to be a way to save this. So I Googled "what can I do with leftover bulgur". Turns out a lot of shit I don't want to make and that sound terrible. Cilantro Lime Tuna Bulgur Salad, Jesus no. Bulgur Bell Peppers, nope. Bulgur Zucchini Patties, yeah if I need a door stop or two. The only thing that looked mildly good was the Bulgur Falafel but the amount of bulgur needed for the recipe wouldn't even make a dent in the bag.
The best part about my quest to figure out what the fuck to do with all this bulgur was an article titled, "Good Question: What Can I Do With Bulgur Wheat? posted by kitchn. One of their daily food magazine readers, Nathan, had submitted the same question I was pondering - what can you do with bulgur? Reading his post had MSMF and I rolling with laughter. This guy, our unkhown homie Nathan, bought WAY too much like we did. Doesn't know what to do with it, except eat tabouli for the next five years. And better yet called it a 'sizeable bag' of bulgur. I'm dying laughing even now.
https://www.thekitchn.com/good-question-what-can-i-do-wi-1-82011
How many homes are being plagued by oversized bags of bulgur? How many Nathans are there in the world pinned down in their kitchens, their cat slowly eating them instead of the bulgur in hungry desperation?
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